Thursday, August 20, 2009

The Return Of Oscar The Syracuse Football Psychic

Due to the overwhelming popularity of his last session (well, nobody said they disliked it), I have found our resident Syracuse psychic, Oscar Terrance Theodore Omanishitz. He was hanging out at the Tully’s on Erie Boulevard as I have been told he likes to do so I just called him there and the bartender recognized him immediately. Since Oscar hates cell phones because he swears they cause brain damage, this is my only way to catch him (and yes, he still uses pay phones which is how I got him last time). In light of some breaking news within the Syracuse football program, I had to talk to him though and get his opinion. So without further ado, let me get to the man, the myth, the legend (in his own mind at least), Oscar.

Me: Oscar, glad I could catch you. People seemed to enjoy your take on Syracuse football and with all the news as of late, I had to get your take on some of the issues.

Oscar: I felt like you might call soon, although that may have just been this rash I just developed itching again. She told me she had not been with a lot of guys but…

Me: Oscar, can we please get to the subject at hand. First, I am hoping for your take on Greg Paulus being named the starting quarterback to begin the Syracuse football season. What is your reaction to the decision?

Oscar: Ahh, Mr. Paulus, didn’t I tell you he would have a good year last time we spoke? I was told by the bartender that according to Wikipedia, Greg Paulus was born on July 3rd, 1986 which would make him a Cancer. The Cancer is also known as the Crab which means they can maneuver around in numerous directions successfully. Cancers are also known to be gentle, conservative, nurturing and have strong survival instincts. And if nothing else, he shares the same sign as Pamela Anderson and Sylvester Stallone so maybe he can blend Pamela’s ability to always stay in the headlines with a Rambo style field generalship.

His Chinese sign would be Tiger of Fire. In light of that, may I recommend some Survivor to be played as he enters the Carrier Dome? You know Eye of the Tiger? I don’t care who you are, that was funny right there but regardless. I feel he will do well and help this team more than hurt it in the long run. He has a leader quality about him and that will help his progression as a quarterback and allow the younger guys to learn more about what Coach Marrone expects from his quarterbacks and his system for next year.

Me: I can understand that and before you choke yourself on one of those delicious Tully Tenders laughing at your own jokes, let us move on to my next question. Speaking of Coach Doug Marrone, he has defended his actions in regards to players leaving the program in large numbers but what do you think about players leaving so often before the guy has even had a chance to coach one game?

Oscar: There is a quote in the Bible about this and it states that “the weak shall inherit the Earth.”

Me: Actually, I hate to interrupt you but the Bible states that “the meek shall inherit the Earth” which is meant to mean those who are obedient to his Word will follow in his footsteps.

Oscar: Well sorry Mr. Biblical Scholar, I didn’t mean to make a mistake. Anyway, I think that it simply means they were not fit specifically for what Coach Marrone wants to accomplish with this team. It does not make them bad players as I feel like some of them may prosper elsewhere. And for those left on the team, it is human nature that where one person is replaced, another must step up to take their place. Better for them to leave now than later on when their hearts were not in it and the team suffers. Jim Brown wanted a more physical, hard hitting team and I feel like that is what Coach Marrone is trying to accomplish. It is like I always say, “Hit hard and prosper.”

Me: That would be “live long and”….you know what? Never mind! You gave me another lead in there because I am wondering how prosperous this team will be in the future. Not sure if you heard or not but Syracuse has signed on to play in the new Meadowlands against USC in 2012 and Notre Dame in 2014 and 2016. What do you see happening and will Syracuse lose a home game just to be embarrassed in front of more people for what I am sure will be higher ticket prices?

Oscar: Do I look psychic to you? Oh wait, I am huh? I am fine with the situation because I was scared to see what they would charge me for that ticket to see USC and now I don’t need to worry about it anymore.

I see this team gradually building up but I would not look for a huge upset over USC but in three years, I truly see it being more competitive then it would have been. Notre Dame on the other hand, by the time 2014 rolls around will have been through a couple more coaches before they realize their dominance of college football was a century ago and I think Syracuse takes those games. I do foresee a chance Notre Dame are either in the Big Ten or Big East by then due to the horrible records they will accumulate over the next few years. I see the initials BE but there is a large 10 that keeps trying to block it out and an old lion face smiling saying he told us so.

Me: I am not sure how many beers you have ordered since you got to Tully’s or what you have grown in your garden lately but I will just ask one more thing and then let you continue your cold beer marathon and convincing ladies at the bar that their futures include you cooking breakfast in the morning. You went off on The Axeman last time we spoke but I wanted to know what you think about social networking and blogging, especially since you are now having your words out there for everyone to read on a blog.

Oscar: My attorney has advised me against further comments about that Axe person so I will no longer speak of him but I have been told there is a guy named Mike or Matt McClusky in the Watertown area I can listen to when I need my sports fix.

I have done some researching of this issue since we talked last. I have checked out this Twitter sensation and some of the blogs and I must say that for the most part I am impressed. I could never do it myself; it makes the government able to track your every move just like they do with library cards and those discount things grocery stores ask you to use for discounts. Big Brother is watching you people, be careful what you do.

I did a search on the internet and found this NunesMagician website, which I think is supposed to be some form of sarcasm and tribute to that great SU player Troy Nunes. I do not understand most of his humor though but it could be that I feel that I do not need to lower myself to bathroom humor to amuse myself. I mean anyone can point out others errors and make a joke out of them but seriously, why is that funny? When did he become so perfect? Look at me; I’m a funny jokerman always taking shots at Syracuse. If I want humor, I will just play my old Cheech and Chong albums and listen to such classics as Sister Mary Elephant or Dave.

Me: Actually, I have listened to you enough now and trust me in the fact that compared to you; Sean (the guy behind is like Eddie Murphy while you have the comedic attributes of a Tom Arnold sitcom. So he should subject everyone to stoner humor 24/7, what the heck kind of a blog would even find that stuff funny?

I like interviewing you for my blog because sometimes you seem to have some good insight to issues pertaining to Syracuse football but trust me; your sense of humor sometimes leaves a lot to be desired. And actually, Sean is alum so I think he paid enough money in tuition and other expenses to give an opinion that he feels will help out his alma mater, which we now know you just could not keep you pants on or stay sober long enough to manage to accomplish for yourself. Go back to the cold beer and maybe, just maybe we will talk again soon but I do hope you are more respectful to people if we do.

Oscar: Fine, may your stars be aligned properly and may Syracuse finally return to its glorious form soon. By the way, I predict Syracuse 38-Minnesota 36 for the opening game in case we do not meet again before September 5th. I feel a good sensation about everything but then again you would too if you had been drinking beer since the doors opened here and had the scenery I have with all these hot future Syracuse grad students sitting near me.

Don’t run off ladies, I am clairvoyant and can tell your future.

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